broken links

finding broken links to personal ads my mother began throughout various times in her lesbian career. (no, that's not mine baby, no. i love you, honest.) finding broken mental links to summertime, to old friends, wondering where we all lost each other, or if perhaps i was the only one shed... perhaps. it's more than likely.
there's a little creature in my stomache, putting pressure on all my organs, and the cause of so much fuss. poor kid, he has no idea what he's in for... how in the hell am i going to instill value living in such a place? a place full of self-worshippers? but, i suppose, i am not much better than that, am i? i have my vanities and indulgences just like anyone else.
i've actually been writing a lot more now, trying to push all the shit out of my mind so it doesn't cloud my senses when the baby actually gets here. i think we'll have a good time. me and the baby, that is. he seems pretty cool already.
i'm tired of people asking, "how are you feeling?" but then looking really dissapointed when i say just fine. they want me to be miserable so they can tell me it's ok, and it's almost over. (no shit it's almost over, i know that better than they do.)
can't wait to cease being public property; everybody wants to touch a pregnant girl, and are appalled when she doesn't want to be touched. why do they think it's ok to condemn me for my desire for personal space? there's plenty of adjustion to do without having also to open yourself for attacks by curious strangers. the most affective method so far is to isolate myself, and only go out when i know there will be a lull in public interaction. but should it come down to that? i don't think so.
though i've been isolated, that's not to say there aren't people i wouldn't enjoy seeing. a lot of my not calling though, largely has to do with not wanting to make people feel they need to alter their behavior on my behalf. i don't want people to stop doing what it is they're used to doing because there's an elephant in the room.
i can't wait until the warm weather comes. i really think the winter affects me in a negative way, makes me despair. i can't understand it, but it's harder to keep myself together. i also can't wait to get into a place to live. i need to live alone. more so than ever, i am craving my privacy. it offends people when you don't want to give them your time or attention, especially when you are surrounded by people who like you around for the sheer convenience of it, the ones you help as a favor only for those favors to become expected.
living at home has allowed me to inherit a bunch of unnecessary responsibilities. for example, did you know i have sort of inherited a couple of very expensive dogs who are not very smart? i am also an excellent multi-tasker, which enables me to clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry, take my brother wherever he wants to go, cook dinner AND take care of t he untrained dogs all at once? (i daresay i am pretty freaking amazing...)
my kid will be lucky though, because i won't get mad at him for being helpless. he's not a 44 year-old selfish woman, nor is he a 17 year-old groomed for only self-service and taking. he'll be just a baby, and from there, there are many possibilities. he'll get bigger and better, and i won't resent taking care of him, because contrary to popular belief amongst my relatives, that is what mothers are supposed to do for their kids, no matter what.